Only You
by Saruvi
Summary: Hisoka catches Tsuzuki and Hijiri kissing. Hurt, he lashes out at his partner. Will their broken hearts ever be able to mend?
1. Betrayal

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei and the characters Hisoka Kurosaki, Asato Tsuzuki, and other YnM characters are the property of Yoko Matsushita.

--

"Tsu.." Hisoka stopped, rooted to his spot just inside the doorway to his partner's apartment. He had used the key that Tsuzuki had given him awhile ago to let himself in. But once inside, he froze.

His partner was on the sofa with Hijiri Minase sitting on his lap, straddling him. He watched as the two of them kissed each other. He stifled a sob by bringing his hands up to his mouth as he saw the violinist kiss his way down to Tsuzuki's neck. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he watched Hijiri's tongue lick his partner's tanned throat.

They hadn't noticed he was standing there. Watching them, his pale face shocked, his green eyes filled with hurt and pain.

Their emotions hit his stomach like a lead brick. Hisoka felt sick. He felt like crying. He felt like screaming. He just stood there, watching until he started to shake. He teleported to his apartment. He flung himself on his bed, sobbing like a little boy.

He was hurt. He felt betrayed. Like someone had stabbed him in the heart.

**_Wait_**, he thought, **_why should I be hurt?_** Why wouldn't Tsuzuki want someone like Hijiri instead of someone like Hisoka?

Hijiri was fun, he was outgoing. He wasn't broken like Hisoka. He didn't flinch whenever he was touched like Hisoka did. He didn't wake up screaming at night. He didn't call Tsuzuki an idiot or hit him on the head with books like Hisoka did. He could openly show his feelings unlike Hisoka who could only love from afar, afraid to be rejected.

The empath knew he wasn't the easiest person to get along with. He didn't take affection well. But he was trying. He had been loosening up. He had been ready to tell Tsuzuki how he felt about him, then he had seen the two of them.. on the sofa.. kissing. Tears welled up in Hisoka's emerald eyes.

He ended up crying himself to sleep that night.

The next morning, he walked into the office he shared with his partner and quickly got to work filling out case reports. He didn't bother to look up when Tsuzuki came in fifteen minutes later. He didn't bother to call him a baka for being late as usual. Five minutes later, the silence was broken in the office by Tsuzuki's deep voice.

"Ne, Soka, are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. And you didn't even say good morning and call me an idiot for being late when I came. Like you usually do," Tsuzuki's voice held a bit of a whine.

After what he had seen last night, Hisoka wasn't in the mood to deal with the baka's usual antics. He didn't even want to talk to him but he knew if he didn't say something, his partner would bug him until he found out what was wrong.

"It's nothing. I just didn't get much sleep last night is all," the empath replied, failing to mention the reason he didn't sleep too well was because of the scene he'd witnessed in Tsuzuki's apartment had replayed over and over in his nightmares.

"Aww come on, Soka-chan! You know you can tell me what's wrong," Tsuzuki said, sitting on the edge of Hisoka's desk.

"Don't call me that! Fine you want to know what's wrong? How could you do that?!" the boy's voice was slowly rising in anger.

"Huh? Do what?" The purple eyes shinigami was at a loss. What did he do?

His partner was really a complete idiot. Hisoka stood up from his chair, yelling he said, " I _saw_ you! With Hijiri! I went over to your apartment to see if you wanted to have dinner and I saw the two of you. You... were... kissing... him!"

The empath was angry. Tsuzuki was dumbstruck. He'd seen that? Oh god! What must he think?

"Hisoka, I can explain. Just let..." Tsuzuki started but was viciously cut off by the youth.

"Don't bother! I don't want to hear it! I saw you _kissing_ him!! _How could you_?! You tell me you love me then turn around and.. and _kiss_ someone else? Do you know how that made me feel to see that? To feel your emotions as you kissed each other?!" the youth was shouting, tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes. "Do you even care? Kami-sama, I was such an idiot to believe you could actually love me! I hate you Tsuzuki. I hate _you_!!" the boy screamed and ran out of the office leaving a stunned Tsuzuki to stand there blinking stupidly.

Hisoka didn't stop running till he was safe in the haven of the Ministry's library. He usually went there to read and have some quiet time alone. Now, however, the shelves lined with books were unbearable. The atmosphere was stuffy. He couldn't stop crying. He was shaking and he didn't understand why it hurt so much.

_**Because you love him, Kurosaki. And it hurts to know, he doesn't love you back**_, his mind said.

Now, he knew, even if there had been a slight chance that Tsuzuki could love him, he wouldn't ever forgive the boy for lashing out so violently at him. Hisoka felt he didn't deserve forgiveness. In his mind, nothing would be able to repair this. He'd not only destroyed any chance he might have had with the purple eyed shinigami, he'd pretty much destroyed their friendship as well.

Hisoka swallowed a sob and sank to the floor in a corner, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his head on top of them. He shouldn't have yelled at Tsuzuki like that. He behaved like a jealous lover.. like a _child_. He didn't hate Tsuzuki, he hated himself.

For everything he was, and everything he couldn't and would never be. He hated Hijiri for being the person Hisoka could have been. He hated his parents. He hated Muraki. He hated it all. But mostly, he hated how he had let himself believe he could be happy.

Wiping his eyes, he quickly got to his feet and headed back to the office he and Tsuzuki shared. He was grateful to see that his partner wasn't in the room. Sighing, he sat down in his chair and picked up his pen, ready to finish the reports that needed filling in.


	2. A Harsh Retaliation

The next few weeks went by with Tsuzuki trying to talk to the boy, but he would only receive piercing green eyes glaring at him. The more he tried to push for a conversation with the youth, the more Hisoka seemed to withdraw. He behaved as he had when he'd first come to the Ministry. Cold, aloof, his eyes showing contempt and coldness.

He'd shut down. Again. Tsuzuki knew it was his fault. Though, if only Hisoka would just listen to him, he could explain. But, the empath didn't want anything to do with him it seemed, so Tsuzuki shut down in his own way as well. The only time Hisoka said anything to Tsuzuki was if he had to discuss a case, and then, he kept their conversation to the barest minimum.

Tatsumi couldn't help but take notice of Tsuzuki as he'd come into work every morning and head straight to the office him and his partner shared. He was shocked when he happened to glance into said office and noticed the partners sitting quietly at their desks filling out case reports.

Tsuzuki's normally cheerful amethyst eyes were clouded. He wouldn't look others in the eyes. He seemed to be sinking in on himself. The other thing Tatsumi noticed was that Hisoka was even less open than he normally was. Not that the kid had ever really been open, well with anyone other than Tsuzuki that is. But now, it seemed that Hisoka had withdrawn even further into himself.

On Friday, Tatsumi knocked lightly on the door to Tsuzuki and Hisoka's office. Hearing a soft, "come in," he poked his head.

"Tsuzuki, I would like to speak to you in my office if you have a moment," stated the secretary.

"Sure Tatsumi. I'll be right there."

Tsuzuki stood up after Tatsumi withdrew his head and quietly closed the office door. He looked over at his partner who had his head down as he filled in a case report. He wondered what Tatsumi wanted to discuss, but if Hisoka had any ideas, he wasn't sharing them.

Sighing, the older man left the office.

Hisoka looked up as the door closed behind his partner. He had hoped that Tatsumi would have waited till the end of the day to talk to Tsuzuki, when Hisoka could have left the office and went home for the weekend. He had been dreading this ever since he had spoken to the secretary two days before. He'd asked the man to hold off on telling his partner until today, but he'd failed to request him to wait until the day was over.

**_Oh well, may as well brace myself for the ensuing scene I know Tsuzuki will make when he comes back_**, the boy thought.

--

The door to Tatsumi's office was slightly open, so Tsuzuki just poked his head and said, "Hey Tatsumi, you wanted to talk?"

"Aa, come in and have a seat, this might take a few," Tatsumi gestured to one of the wingback chairs infront of desk. For some reason, the tone of Tatsumi's voice made the amethyst eyed shinigami anxious. Shrugging it off, Tsuzuki sat down, his eyes raking over the secretary's obsessively neat desk and appearance.

Tatsumi cleared his throat, "Is there something going on between you and Kurosaki-kun?"

"Not specifically. Nothing that we can't eventually work out between ourselves," Tsuzuki answered, hoping that was right.

"Then would you mind explaining to me why the kid has requested a transfer to another division?"

Tsuzuki's eyes shot to the clear sapphire blue eyes of the secretary. He didn't just hear that. He had to have misunderstood what he'd just heard.

"Wh-what? Hisoka asked for... a tr-transfer?" he could barely say the words. They felt like acid in his throat,"When?"

"His transfer should be finalized by next week. Is there something you would like to talk about Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi said softly, his eyes looking at his friend letting him know he would listen if he needed to talk.

"Uh, no, please excuse me Tatsumi," he said, getting up from his chair and walking out of the office, Tatsumi's shoulders slumped uncharacteristically as he watched the man walk out.

From the mass of emotions he could sense nearing his office, Hisoka had gathered that the talk Tsuzuki and Tatsumi had had was now over.

He could sense hurt, rejection, pain, confusion, but the most defining emotion was loss. He let out a deep breath. Standing up slowly, he stood next to his desk, he steered himself for the impending confrontation.

Tsuzuki stopped with his hand on the doorknob to their office, inhaling deeply and exhaling sharply.

_**Stay calm Asato, you'll only get him angry if you go in there and beg to know why he's doing this. Besides, you already know the answer to that. Yes, but I didn't think he'd go this far. How could you not? You hurt him**_, he thought.

He wished Hisoka would let him explain. And now seeing that the boy was being transferred, it didn't look as though he would get the chance.

Tsuzuki pushed the self-recriminating voice away. He couldn't deal with that right now. He had to talk to Hisoka. He opened the door to the office and stepped inside, shutting it behind him. Hisoka was standing next to his desk with his arms crossed over his thin chest.

"Hisoka, why?" Tsuzuki asked, the hurt evident in his voice.

The boy just stood there looking at him, not saying a word.


	3. Another Side Of Reality

"Why not?" Hisoka replied coldly.

Tsuzuki would have taken a step back, but he was already pressed against the door. The coldness in Hisoka's eyes and voice chilled the room.

"Why would you just go ask for a transfer without discussing it with me?" Tsuzuki asked quietly.

"I didn't feel that I had to ask for your permission concerning my decision to change divisions. I'm not a child," the boy stated. He glared when he saw the man wince at his words.

**_Oh way to go Kurosaki, you're definitely not a child, but aren't you the one who asked to be transferred because you can't deal with your feelings? Ever hear of denial? Only children run away from their problems_**, he heard his mind say.

_**Shut up,**_ he told himself.

"Hisoka, I don't think you're a child. I just wish you would let me explain. You don't have to transfer. I'm sure if we sat down and tal.." Tsuzuki was saying when Hisoka yelled at him.

"_Shut up_ Tsuzuki! I don't want to hear it! Do you really think I'm going to stay here after, after...," the boy shouted, trailing off. Taking a deep breath, he added, "Do you think I want to stay here and watch you and Hijiri date? Do you honestly think, after telling you I hated you that I want to be your partner? Even _you_ aren't that dense!"

Tsuzuki flinched at the depth of the fury in the boy's cold voice. When had it gotten this way? Why couldn't they get past this? He was now getting angry himself as he stared at Hisoka, who was shaking with anger and contempt. In two strides he was infront of the empath. He grabbed the teen by his shoulders. Hisoka struggled to get free, but quickly stopped when the older man pressed his fingers into him hard enough to bruise the soft flesh under the cotton shirt.

"_Let go Tsuzuki_!" Hisoka shouted.

"No! I want to know why you're doing this! I want to know why you won't talk to me!" Tsuzuki yelled in the boy's face.

Hisoka shook, frightened by this change in the normally passive shinigami. He tried to pry the hands off of him, he felt his mind clouding with the force of Tsuzuki's anger. He said the first thing that came to mind as he felt himself beginning to feel faint.

"Because, I no longer trust you! Because I will no longer believe anything you say to me!" he shouted.

If nothing had worked before to make the man let him go, those heated words did exactly that. Tsuzuki released him as though touching Hisoka had burned him. The words hung in the air between them, they seemed to echo off the office walls. Hurt flashed in the beautiful amethyst eyes and Hisoka almost took the words back. Almost wanted to say he was sorry for saying them. Almost, but not quite.

His partner kissing Hijiri flashed into his mind again, and he glared at the man standing before him. He hadn't really meant to hurt Tsuzuki, he just didn't want him touching him, he didn't want to be his partner anymore. It hurt too much to think that the man he loved was now with someone else. Because he was a broken doll that was only good for one thing. Because he wasn't worthy of being loved. Because he hadn't been good enough to wait for.

**_Why_** _**couldn't you wait until I was ready for you? Wait for? Wait for what? Wait for me... don't hurt me anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I.. love you... but it hurts to know, someone else has your love and that someone isn't me. I can't stay by your side and watch. I can't. It will kill me inside. It will destroy me like nothing else had been able to**_, his heart screamed.

So many things he could say, so many things needed to be said, and yet, Hisoka couldn't say them. He couldn't open his mouth to say them, so he stepped aside. Grabbing his jean jacket, he shrugged it on. Reaching for the doorknob, he didn't bother turning around when he said, "Sayonara Tsuzuki." He walked out, leaving the man with tears glistening his eyes.

Hisoka shut the door behind him and leaned against it, wiping the tears that were spilling down his cheeks.

This was for the best. This was the only way he could survive this existence. The only way he could stay safe. The only way to not lose himself in the despair that was slowly filling up his heart and swallowing up his soul. He teleported to his apartment to pack.


	4. A Strained Existance

There was a cloud hanging over the Shokan division as the other employees noticed Hisoka's absence when the following week, the youth was officially transferred to another division.Tsuzuki had come into work despite having wanted to just curl up in bed under a blanket or even better, hide himself in a dark corner of his closet. But, he knew if he didn't go in, Tatsumi would have come looking for him and dragged him there.

Hisoka would have probably been somewhat amazed to discover that his presence had managed to seep into to everyone, including the usual gruff former detective Terazuma, who was just sitting at his desk, feet propped up on with a cigarette hanging from his lips, but he hadn't bother to light it.

Wakaba wasn't smiling. Her normally cheerful face was devoid of it's usual smile. Watari hadn't exited his lab, and there was no morning explosion. Even the stoic Tatsumi was unusually quiet. The Gushoshin kept hovering around the doorway to the break room looking as though they would rather be anywhere than in the library, which had been a favorite hangout of the empath's.

So used to having the boy there with them all. No one had realized just how much he'd come to mean to them until he was no longer there. They were hard pressed to do much but just sit and fill out case reports. Attend to the occasional case. They would jerk their heads up anytime someone walked into the room, then sigh heavily when it wasn't the green eyed boy. It was just too real. He really wasn't there. He really wasn't coming back.

One shinigami was affected more than the rest though. He wouldn't come out of his office. Choosing to stay inside it and quietly do his paperwork without whining. He stayed in the office long after everyone would have gone home to just sit there. To just try to soak up what remained of the boy's presence in the room.

**_If I had done this without complaining, maybe, he wouldn't have left. Maybe if I hadn't eaten all those sweets everyday. Maybe. Maybe he would still be here. I shouldn't have whined so much. I shouldn't have called him Soka-chan. He didn't really like being called that. I shouldn't hav..._**

**_You know Asato, that's not why he left._**

**_I know, but it hurts to think of the reason he isn't here._**

**_I know. And I'm sorry._**

**_So am I._**

He shut down his thoughts. He would go crazy if he thought of the why's and the what if's. Thinking about the could haves, the should haves wouldn't bring the kid back. He grabbed another form and began filling it out.

He chose to do his paperwork at the now empty desk of his former partner. It was painful to sit in that room, but he stayed in there, hardly leaving even if only for a few minutes. The others would drop by to leave food or drink for him, knowing he wouldn't get anything for himself. The room seemed to be filled with the empath's presence, which lingered like a familiar comforting memory. But, all Tsuzuki could see or feel in there were the words the teen had shouted the last time they had spoken.

_'I didn't feel that I had to ask for your permission...Do you honestly think, after telling you I hated you that I want to be your partner?... Because, I no longer trust you!'_

The walls seemed to just echo the words, seemingly to cling to them as if in fear of losing the last sound of the boy's voice. It didn't matter what the words were, it didn't matter how hurtful they had been, how those words spoken in such anger had nearly pushed the man over the edge he'd been clinging to. It was the boy's voice that had spoken them. And he needed to cling to the sound in his memory or he knew he would lose himself in his pain.

He clung to the room, to the memories that coated the walls, the need so desperate to remember that soft voice. That beautiful pale face with it's glimmering emerald eyes, golden brown hair with the bangs too long. Soft, delicate, almost feminine features. To cling to the only thing he had left of the boy he loved. To wrap himself in the memories he had of himself whining for something sweet and being hit over the head with a book while being called a 'baka!' His mind clung to every memory he had of himself and the boy starting from the day he'd met him. The boy thinking he was the vampire they were searching for. Pressing a gun into his back. He'd thought the kid was a spoiled brat. He'd turned around and been shocked to see him standing there, a kid, he'd thought, but this kid was determined to shoot him if he so much as breathed wrong.

After begging him to stay with him. To be there for him. To exist just for him, it was ironic that it was the boy that had chosen to leave.

:Flashback:

_He'd been whining for something sweet and Hisoka had hit him over the head with a book while calling him a 'baka!' He'd yelled at him saying they had a meeting to attend. Work to do. He remembered himself being yanked up by the wrist from his place on the floor._

_'I swear, I don't know what to do with you! You're such a.. a baka! Can't you even forego the sweets for once so we don't get yelled at for being late?' the boy said exasperated with the older man._

_'But, I'm hungry Soka! And Wakaba brought in cake! She baked it herself! And you know, she bakes the best sweets! he had whined, his tail wagging as he'd reached over to clutch at the boy's leg. Pleaseeeeee, Soka, just one slice and I won...' he'd been cut off as the teen had growled._

_'Tsuzuki no baka! I said no! We have work to do. Let's go.'_

_'Hidoi Soka-chan,' he'd replied dejectedly._

_'Don't call me that!'_

:end flashback:

But I like calling you that, he thought, I love your face when I say it. I love the way you react. How your beautiful face flushes a pretty pink color. I like everything about you. I love your eyes even when they are filled with so much pain that it takes everything inside me to not take you in my arms and hold you. When there is a smile shining in their depths that you're trying so hard to hide from me, from everyone. I love when you laugh. Few and far between but when they come, they are more precious to me than my own.

I miss you. Why did you leave me? Why did you go away when you said I could stay with you.

Is it alright to stay here?

A nod.

It's alright to be here, I'll stay with you.

Stay with me, please don't let me go. Just stay here with me and I think, the darkness will go away. Maybe not now, but I know, if you're here with me, it'll go away someday. Please, smile at me. Smile for me. I know you don't want to. I know you've been hurt and smiles are usually the first thing to go, but please... begging you, just a small one and I won't ask again. Don't frown. No, not that. I love you, kami-sama I love you so much I'm breaking inside to think about you.

It's broken in here. Inside myself. Everything's been shattered. This is how it is. I think everything is gone. I know there is somewhere still left for me to be but my heart hurts. If I could just reach out, maybe it won't hurt as much. Reach out to what? To who? Where? Why aren't you here!

I need you. Dont you need me too?

You left me. You promised. Promise you won't go? I promise I won't go. Promise you won't let go? I promise I won't let go. Be with me. I will always be with you. I promise. It's alright to stay here.

Yes, it's alright if you stay here. It's alright if I stay here.

The darkness had almost retreated to the deepest recesses of his mind. The boy left and the man felt the void fill his heart. Sink inside his soul. Root itself so deeply that he could feel himself almost towed under it all. Feel it like the cover of night.. like some silky blanket wrapping itself around everything he was. Silk shouldn't hurt but it was hurting so badly.

Where are you? Why aren't you here with me? With me, for me, by me? I love you.. I love you more than anything. Where are you? Where did you go... why am I alone? Please.. come back... please this hurts. I can't.. I can't take anymore. This might just kill me. Again.

_I need you!_


	5. Have You Seen My Partner?

One thing Hisoka had to admit was that he absolutely couldn't stand his new partner. He was nice and all, but his personality was just so lacking. In the five months that he had been in this new division, he'd already gone through six partners.

When he'd arrived at his new workplace, he'd already made the decision to not become close to anyone there. He would treat his new co-workers with courtesy and not become friendly with any of them. He was there to work, not socialize, he reasoned. Though, he was hardly the easiest person to get along with, he felt that he was not to blame for going through so many partners.

His first partner lasted a day, before Hisoka had demanded they reassign him to someone else. It wasn't his fault the man was a complete baka. Not the kind of baka that Tsuzuki was. He had even thought that, and had felt his heart clench at the thought. He'd quickly pushed the thought along with it's corresponding feelings away. Better forget him now. Hisoka had wondered how the man could be a shinigami. It was as if the guy didn't possess a brain.

"How the hell did he even become a shinigami? He's just beyond stupid!" Hisoka had told his boss.

Partner two had come on to him repeatedly in the month he worked with him. As if the sexual remarks sent his way weren't enough, the guy had even pushed him up against a wall kissing him, Hisoka had become furious when the guy had tried to shove his tongue down his throat, the man's hands groping his behind. Disgust laced with fury had Hisoka blasting the guy away from him. When his boss had come to see what the ruckus was all about, the boy had demanded a new partner.

"What the hell happened here Kurosaki?!" his boss had demanded, looking at the man slumped on the floor.

"_Get him the hell away from me now_!" Hisoka had growled. Fury igniting his emerald eyes.

He refused to even think about partner number four. That one was best left in a corner of a dark room where no one would lay eyes on him. He hadn't even masked his disgust for that one. He'd shuddered and walked into his boss' office without bother to knock.

"New partner. _Now_." he'd said to the man behind the desk, leaving no mistake that he refused to work with her.

Partner five would have been alright if she'd kept her mouth shut. Unfortunately for him, she didn't. She walked around in tight pants with tight shirts that hung low and seemed to delight in shoving her assets in everyone's, including his, faces. He felt smothered by her. Literally and figuratively. She'd ended up being transferred. Once she was gone, he was amazed at his self control. Three weeks with that bimbo.He was just glad that it hadn't been him this time that made another partner leave. He shook his head.

"I am transferring your partner, Kurosaki. She is upsetting the other employees and several complaints have been made about her behavior on the job. We'll have another partner for you in a few days," his boss had stated.

"Fine," Hisoka didn't care, and his reply showed that he didn't.

Partner six had lasted about an two hours before Hisoka had passed out from the woman's emotions. It took him three days to recover. She didn't know how to shield and when told he would teach her, she had blown him off with a wave of her hand. Honestly, he really was glad to be rid of her, between her perfume, which had apparently been poured over her from head to toe, and her emotions which were just simply nauseating, he'd disliked her from the moment he met her.

"Kurosaki, what is it this time?" his boss asked, a heavy sigh escaping his lips when Hisoka asked for another new partner. He was obviously becoming annoyed with him.

"She can't shield. She refuses to even learn. Unless you want me spending all my time in the infirmary, from overloading on her emotions, you better give me a new partner." Hisoka replied stiffly.

"You're a good kid Kurosaki. But you are really beginning to try my patience. One more partner and it had better work out this time or I'll transfer you back to the Shokan division," the man told him.

Seeing as how Hisoka couldn't let himself be transferred back, he had decided that no matter how stupid, how nauseating, how touchy-feeling his next partner would be, he would deal with it. No matter what. For the sake of his pride, he just couldn't risk being transferred back. Actually, it had nothing to do with his pride and everything to do with his feelings for a certain purple eyed shinigami he was desperately trying to forget.

--

Walking into his small apartment later that day, he flung his keys against a wall in anger.

_**Dammit! This is what I wanted. So why can't I stop thinking about him?!**_

_**Are we going to do this again?**_

He growled. He really hated himself sometimes. He walked over to his futon and threw himself down onto it, rolling onto his back with his arms behind his head.

_**You should have told him you loved him before you left.**_

_**I couldn't do that. He was with Hijiri. I didn't think I should step between them. His happiness is more important to me than my sadness.**_

_**You're really amazing sometimes. You consider stupidity as a major fault in someone's personality, but what about ignorance? What would you call your ignorance of how you handled the situation?**_

_**I'm really tired of this. I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I did what I thought, no, what I felt was right!**_

_**Yes, you ran away.**_

"Urasai," he muttered out loud. He hated his thoughts. He rolled over onto his side and drifted to sleep. He dreamed of smiling amethyst eyes. He moaned in his sleep, clutching the blankets harshly in his hands.

**_It just doesn't get any worse does it, his mind said._**

**_I thought I told you to shut up._**

**_I thought you were smarter than this. So we're even._**

**_Shut up dammit!_**

**_Fine._**

In his sleep, Hisoka had begun to cry for everything he had lost. Everything he had willing thrown away. His tears seeped out from under his closed eyelids to fall onto his pillow. He cried in his sleep for what he knew now was his own fault. Yes, his mind was right. He thought he was smarter than this. And yet, he had never felt so stupid. So lost and alone.


	6. It's A Wonderful Life

"So, why do you think the kid actually left?" Watari asked.

He and Tatsumi were having lunch in Watari's lab. Tatsumi had received a call asking about Hisoka's past behavior in the Shokan Division. Apparently, the kid's behavior was having quite an effect on the guy. Having been informed that Hisoka was an extremely capable and intelligent shinigami, it was rather hard to discern that with the cold, closed off young boy now under his command.

"I don't know. But he is has already been through six partners his boss informed me," Tatsumi answered.

"Whoa, six? He's only been there for five months! At the rate he's going, he'll surpass Tsuzuki for most partners ever had," Watari was stunned and it showed in his normally cool voice.

"Iie, his boss mentioned that he gave him an ultimatum that this last partner better work out or he's transferring him back here," the secretary replied, taking the last bite of his noodles.

"It's inevitable that will happen you know? Bon's not the most sociable person. Definitely not easy to get along with, especially if he doesn't like someone or the situation he's in," the scientist stated.

"Aa, I know, but, we'll just have to wait for it to happen, then try to figure out what the hell happened and go from there," Tatsumi said, getting up to throw his now empty noodle box in the trashcan.

"Naw, I think we need to fix this before the kid comes back. Inevitable as it is," Watari said, a gleem in his amber colored eyes.

"Watari, what are you planning?" the secretary asked, his bright blue staring intently at the other man.

"Nothing much. I just believe it's been awhile that Tsuzuki and I had a boy's night out is all," the other man said dismissively.

Tatsumi groaned. He knew what that meant. Watari was going to get Tsuzuki so drunk that the man would spill his story. After that, the scientist would most likely hatch some hairbrained scheme to get Hisoka and Tsuzuki together. But that wasn't what was bothering the blue eyed secretary. It was the fact that he knew that Watari would enlist his help.

He groaned again as he walked back to his office.

--

After work, Watari had grabbed a protesting Tsuzuki by the hand and told the man they were going out. Tsuzuki wasn't normally one to pass up an excuse to have a good time, but his heart wasn't into feeling good these days. He'd complained that all he wanted was to go home and sleep. But Watari wouldn't hear of it. He just teleported the two of them to Chijou and steered Tsuzuki to the nearest bar. Two hours later and the purple eyed shinigami was barely able to hold his head up.

"Say Tsuzuki," the scientist started, biting his lower lip, he continued with an air of 'now or never' and blurted out, " why did bon leave?"

Tsuzuki's head shot up so fast he got dizzy and saw stars swimming in front of him. He looked at his friend. His pain filled purple eyes suddenly had tears glistening in their corners. Apparently, he wasn't drunk enough to forget his hurt and pain nor his feelings for the green eyed youth he missed so terribly.

"Eh, I'd rather not talk about it," he said sadly.

Watari was actually quite amazed that the man could talk coherently after having had 6 bottles of sake. He had a mission to carry out though, and he wasn't going to let a little drunkeness stop him, so he continued with his questions.

"It helps to talk about things that hurt you know? Tatsumi, me and everyone else are worried about you. What happened? Why did bon leave Tsuzuki? Things were looking up for you two, so why?"

"He left.. he left because he walked in on Hijiri and I ki-kissing," Tsuzuki could barely say the words. He choked as his tears began to slip from his eyes onto his tanned face.

Even after five months without the boy, it still hurt to think about him. It still tore at him to know he was really gone. In the first few days, Tsuzuki had actually believed that Hisoka would come back. An illusion that had been shattered more and more everyday that the boy didn't return until all that was left was the remnants of a broken hope.

"_What_?! But I thought you were in love with the boy?" Watari was stunned.

He'd known the other shinigami's feelings for the boy for awhile now and he was shocked to hear that his friend had kissed another boy. He knew that the other boy looked like a replica of Hisoka, despite bon having golden brown hair and Hijiri having dark brown, they looked exactly alike. Though, not in personality.

"It's not what you think! Hijiri kissed me. We were watching tv when he climbed into my lap and kissed me! I pushed him off but Hisoka had already walked in, he only saw the kissing and he left. He didn't see me push Hijiri off of me. Nor did he see me tell the kid I was in love with my partner. Hisoka was furious. He screamed and shouted at me. Kami-sama, I still hear his shouting in my head." Tsuzuki was miserable having to talk about this. He'd only thought this, but haven't given a voice to his thoughts. It had hurt too much.

He laid his head down on the top of the wooden surface of the bar and closed his eyes. He fell asleep and didn't realize that Watari had taken him to the restroom to transport them back to Meifu.

--

"That's why he transferred?" Tatsumi asked after listening to Watari's story from the night out with Tsuzuki.

"Yep, he was obivously hurt seeing what he did. And considering it's no secret that he's also in love with Tsuzuki, I can imagine what he thought," Watari answered.

"Hmm, it makes sense though. Kurosaki-kun may be mentally older than his sixteen year old appearance, but I'm betting when he saw that, he acted out as a hurt child that had been betrayed," the secretary reasoned.

"Pretty much my thoughts as well. So, now, can you call his boss and ask for his help? I want to try something."

Tatsumi narrowed his eyes at his friend, but picked up the phone anyway.

--

One Matoko Maki, Hisoka's boss, was more than happy to lend his help. He actually had quite a liking for the young empath, and hated to see him so unhappy. He figured if there was anything he could do to help the kid find closure or even better some form of happiness, he would help in any way he could.

"Kurosaki! You have a new case," he told the boy.

"Sir?"

"There's been a soul that has refused to move onto the next realm and another division has requested our help in the matter. They have tracked the soul to our area, but lost it once it entered the city," the man told him, conviently leaving out the fact that the division asking for help was Hisoka's former workplace.

"What do they need from us?" Hisoka asked.

"Their agent isn't familiar with this division's area of Chijou, so they requested someone from here to be a guide for him or her," his boss replied.

"Do I look like a tour guide to you?" the empath said with his nose in the air.

"At this moment? Yes you do. So look over the case details and get ready to go," the man told him with an air of superiority and Hisoka knew he if refused, he would be once again treading on thin ice.

"Yes Sir," he said, reaching out to accept the file the man was holding out to him.

--

_**Of all the things I get roped into, this certainly takes the cake**_, the boy growled. He was pissed off, as he usually was these days.

Tour guide. _What the hell_! He was a shinigami, he wasn't a tour guide.

_**I have no choice. I'm already in hot water with the boss and I have no choice**_.

He still didn't like the situation, but he resigned himself to it and went to the hotel that had been booked for him.

Entering the small room, he angrily threw his dufflebag onto the floor and kicked off his shoes. He was sitting on the bed looking over the case details when a knock sounded on the room's door.

Getting up, he walked over to the door and opened it. Shock registered on his normally calm features as his gaze swept over the figure standing outside the room.

_Oh shit_.


	7. It Was Only You

Hisoka took a step back, reeling in shock. Standing before him was the man he loved, but had run away from. In the five months since he'd left him, he had only dreamed of seeing him again. But his fear of Tsuzuki not forgiving him for his behavior had kept him from going back.

Tsuzuki was experiencing similiar feelings. The boy he'd thought was gone from his life was standing inside the room, and he wanted nothing more than to hold him and kiss him. Take him into his arms and beg him to never go away again. He wouldn't do that because he knew Hisoka would hate him more.

"Tsuzuki, what are you doing here?" he heard the soft voice ask, drawing him from his thoughts.

"I was told to meet the agent assigned to be my.. wait, don't tell me, you're my guide?!" Tsuzuki breathed out. He stepped into the room when Hisoka held out a hand gesturing for him to enter.

"My boss didn't tell me it was your division that needed the help. Nor did he mention that you were the agent that was handling the case," Hisoka told him, closing the door.

"Tatsumi didn't mention you either. Nor did Konoe," his former partner replied.

Hisoka opened his mouth to say something when the room's phone rang. He went to pick it up.

"Moshi, moshi, Kurosaki Hisoka here," he said into the receiver. His eyes swept back to Tsuzuki's as he nearly yelled into the phone, "_What_?!"

"Yes Sir, I understand sir, thank you for letting me know," the boy sighed, replacing the receiver back into the cradle.

"Soka?" Tsuzuki asked, confused.

"It seems, that your missing soul has passed onto the next realm. So, the case is over. We are to stay here for the night and return to our divisions in the morning," Hisoka was obviously annoyed.

One of his eyebrows twitched and he had the nasty suspicion that this had all been planned by his boss and Tatsumi. He could feel that Tsuzuki hadn't been involved in planning this as the man was now radiating confusion and some anger himself, laced with a small amount of fear.

_**He probably thinks I'm going to yell at him for this**_, Hisoka thought.

--

An hour land a half later both were in the room's only bed, pretending to be asleep. They'd ordered room service and had eaten in complete silence, neither knowing what to say to the other. They'd cleaned up after eating and then had argued about where they would each sleep. The argument had ended with Hisoka yelling,

"Dammit Tsuzuki! We're not children! We've slept in the same bed on cases before. Just stay on your side and I'll stay on mine."

When he saw Tsuzuki open his mouth to protest, he'd added, "Get in the damn bed and go to sleep!"

So here they were, both pretending to be asleep. Tsuzuki was projecting, it seemed as though his shields had gotten weaker since he hadn't been around an empath in five months. Hisoka could feel every emotion Tsuzuki was experiencing.

Surprise. Loneliness. Confusion. Fear. Sadness. Happiness. Desire.

Wait desire? Why was Tsuzuki feeling desire for him? After everything he'd said and done, why would he desire him?

Without thinking, he rolled over and leaned up. He lowered his head and kissed Tsuzuki on the lips softly. He heard the gasp come from the man and pulled back a little.

"His-Hisoka, wha..." the amethyst eyed man began. But Hisoka cut him off.

"Please Tsuzuki. I know you want me. I want you too. One night, with you. That's all I'm asking. Please.. I.. need you. Just for tonight," Hisoka was crying. His need to be with the one he loved overriding the thoughts invading his mind telling him that it was wrong to ask for this. He'd hurt this man. He'd hurt himself. This man was someone elses. The youth ignored it all except the man he was kissing.

Please say yes. Please do this for me. I know you want to. I know you need it too. Just as much as I do. It's just for tonight. Just one night, I'll never ask for anything else, his mind screamed.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Tsuzuki asked him, but the man was already pulling his head down to his own to kiss him.

Hisoka rolled on top of Tsuzuki, fitting his body into the others in a gesture of consent. This felt so good. After being so alone for so long, this felt as though he'd come home.

Hands were suddenly everywhere, followed by eager mouths on each others flesh. Clothing was discarded and forgotten. Warm flesh pressed against warm flesh.

Hisoka felt excitement ripple through Tsuzuki's body when their erections brushed one another. The boy gasped, tearing his mouth from the mans.

"Tsu, please," the teen moaned.

Tsuzuki rolled over, pressing the boy into the bed, and moved down the length of his body, kissing as he went. His tongue flicking the empath's nipples, slowly licking and sucking on them one after the other. Moving down again to dip his tongue into the other's small belly button, Hisoka tugged on the man's hair.

The boy let out a loud yelp followed by a gasp as he felt a tongue on the tip of erection. Sliding down the underside of his member. The boy sucked in a breath and shuddered as his erection was lit on fire as it slide into Tsuzuki's hot mouth. Twining his fingers into chocolate brown hair, Hisoka struggled to maintain control over his emotions as his penis throbbed inside the mouth bobbing up and down on it.

His body tightened, his back arched off the bed. He would have choked Tsuzuki but the man had felt him shudder and had pulled himself off a little to ready his mouth to take in Hisoka's release.

The boy screamed the man's name as white light exploded behind his eyelids, his fingers yanking harshly on the man's hair, as he came in Tsuzuki's awaiting mouth. Tsuzuki swallowed it all, then licked up the length of Hisoka's member to lap up the rest.

The older shinigami rolled the boy over tugging him up so he rested on his hands and knees. The boy was shaky from his orgasm, but he was already hardening again knowing what was coming next. He titled his head to see Tsuzuki smearing something onto his fingers.

He felt something cold pressing near his entrance then gasped as a finger pushed into him. It pulled out halfway, then slid back inside, followed by another finger.

"Ah ah ah ah... Tsuzuki!" Hisoka moaned as third finger was added and they hit his prostate. He felt as though he could climax right then, but the fingers suddenly left, making him whimper at the loss.

He felt something much larger pressing into him, and he pressed his hands into the bed, fingers grasping the sheets tightly. He felt the tip enter him, wincing from the slight pain he felt Tsuzuki hesitate. He clenched his muscles around the tip, causing Tsuzuki to hiss in satisfaction. Hisoka was now desperate to feel the man inside him though and he slammed himself backwards into Tsuzuki almost causing the man to fall back into the headboard.

Gripping Hisoka's hips harshly to steady himself as the boy rammed himself back impaling himself on Tsuzuki's erection, he managed to stay connected, and felt himself slip all the way to the hilt into the boy. He thrust carefully, slowly at first, hoping Hisoka hadn't hurt himself from the violent way he had slammed into him.

Hisoka couldn't get enough. It was too slow, too... careful for him, so he said between breaths, "Harder Tsuzuki, please.. harder."

Tsuzuki complied, pulling all the way out only to roughly slam back into the boy's tight body. Kami-sama, he felt good inside. So tight, so hot.

"Mnhmm... Tsuzuki!" Hisoka screamed as he came again. Tsuzuki reaming into him from behind. He clenched around the man's member, which throbbed inside him, then twitched as his body was filled with Tsuzuki's hot semen. He felt it spreading throughout his entire being, marking him.

They collapsed, breathing uneven, limp bodies covered in sweat. Tsuzuki rolled off of him and Hisoka curled up beside him, leaning up to kiss the man.

--

The young boy woke when light streaming through the curtains washed over his face in warmth and he blinked open his emerald eyes.

He sat up, wincing from the stinging in his backside, holding in a groan, as he got out of the bed and heading for the bathroom to wash up. He needed to leave before Tsuzuki woke up.

Half an hour later, Hisoka was lost in his thoughts. Tsuzuki was still sleeping. The boy was standing next to the bed, staring down at the beautiful face, so relaxed and content. Hisoka leaned down, brushing a soft kiss on the smooth lips.

"mmm Soka," Tsuzuki breathed out in his sleep.

Hisoka's thoughts pounded inside his head.

_**It was only one night. You asked for just one night.**_

_**That's right. Now it's morning, the sun is shining. Then why can't I leave the room? Why can't I walk away?**_

_**Did you really think it would be easy to walk away after sharing a night with him?**_

_**You love him. And now that you have made love with him, you can't walk away.**_

_**He belongs to someone else.**_

_**And yet, he made love to you all last night. Perhaps..**_

_**Don't say it. I don't want to hear it from you.**_

Suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore and he fell to the floor, crying. He sat there, eyes closed, on the floor, his back resting against the bed, his tears burning down his cheeks. Wracking his thin body.

He felt a hand touch his hair, then travel down to cup his face. He opened his eyes to see Tsuzuki kneeling infront of him.

"Tsu.." he choked.

"Soka, why are you crying?" Tsuzuki asked him softly.

Hisoka threw himself into Tsuzuki, who fell backwards with the force. Hisoka laying on top of him, crying uncontrollably.

"I can't walk away! I tried! But my feet won't let me leave you! And I know you're going to go home to Hijiri and I will be left here alone again," the boy sobbed.

"Hisoka, I'm not letting you go. As for Hijiri, had you stuck around that day you would have seen me push Hijiri off me and tell him I couldn't be with him. That I was in love with you," the older man told him.

"In love... with me?" Hisoka blinked through his tears.

_**Could it be? Could he have misunderstood the situation?**_

_**Of course you could have you, you know? After all, you never let the man explain. You just ran away.**_

_**Don't you ever shut up?**_

Hisoka's thoughts came to an end as he heard Tsuzuki answering his question.

"Yes, I'm in love with you. You wouldn't let me explain about the incident with Hijiri. You just left. And I never got the chance to tell you how I felt. So I'm telling you now, hoping you will stay with me," Tsuzuki explained to him quietly.

"Ano, I was such a baka! I just assumed... you really love me?" he asked, a small smile creeping onto his lips as Tsuzuki nodded his head.

"Aa, I love you more than anything," Tsuzuki answered, kissing him.

"I love you too. I've always loved you. Please, please take me home," the boy said, pressing into the man.

--

A week later, Hisoka'd been transferred back to the Shokan division and reassigned as Tsuzuki's partner. He had had to sit through a lecture from Tatsumi about making assumptions without explainations. He had even sat through a welcome back party Saya and Yuma had thrown for him.

They'd even tried to get him into a green and white lolita dress complete with white lacy stockings and high heeled jewelled shoes, which he'd refused to wear.

Watari tried to get him to be his test subject for his new experiment, telling him it was all his plan that had gotten him and Tsuzuki back together. Hisoka politely declined, excusing himself and heading back to the office he once again shared with the only partner he would ever want or need.

Said partner entered the office a few minutes after him. He looked at the man questioningly when he heard the soft click of the lock.

"Tsu? What are you doing?" he asked when the older man pushed him against his desk, pushing him to lay back on it, bending over him.

"I keep hearing your words in here Soka... I want to wipe that memory and make a new one. A more pleasurable one," Tsuzuki told him.

"We're at work though. What if we're caught?" the boy asked, already beginning to moan as he felt his the button his jeans open and the zipper being pulled down.

"I locked the door. Let me love you here. Let's erase the last five months without you in this room and replace it with us here now," his partner said while licking his pale neck.

"I love you Tsuzuki, I love you so much," Hisoka whispered, arching into the man.

"I love you too Hisoka. It's only ever been you. Only you," Tsuzuki kissed him.

He'd had to leave to realize where he belonged. He'd had to hurt and feel pain in order to accept love. But he'd grown up because of it. He had been right. Children ran away from their problems. But he was no longer a child. And now, he was right where he belonged.

"Tadaima Tsuzuki," he whispered to the man on top of him.

"Okaeri Soka," the man whispered back, capturing his lips with his own.


End file.
